Breaking the blogging rules

Research shows that the most successful bloggers have/do the following: 

A) A central "theme" or "niche" for their blog.
B) Post frequently.

I guess that officially makes me the worst blogger ever because I have/do neither of those things.  I really like blogging, but I don't want it to become something that I add to my to-do list, just to ensure that "the blogging rules" are followed.  Because then it stops being a fun hobby, and starts feeling like a job.  I would rather just blog for fun whenever I feel like it, and only have three readers.  So this blog shall remain an inconsistent, sporadic posting of random crap in my brain that no one except probably my mom really cares about.

Case in point-

1-  Tomorrow I am going on a field trip to the Vicksburg Battlefield with the fourth grade.  And they are reenacting scenes from the Civil War.  Can we please just take a moment to think about how cool this is/how funny this will be?  I, for one, am quite excited.  Totally Sweet Home Alabama, am I right?  Oh, the South... I can't wait to tell my kids about my glory days of reenacting Civil War battles.  I know you are probably really jealous right now.  Side note- I spent four hours today making the "Battle T-shirts" for each of the companies and now I have permanent hand cramp.  But they look bomb.  Oh, and none of the kids want to be on the Union side.  Go figure.  After the fourth kid whined to me about wanting to be a Confederate, I replied- "Why wouldn't you want to be on the Union side?  They were the winners."  And that WAS me holding my tongue, thank you very much.  I almost told them all the reasons they really shouldn't want to be a Confederate.  But still, I may need to do a better job of keeping my mouth shut.  Just in case I decide to work at this school full time, and my phone number becomes accessible to parents.

2-  RJ left on Sunday for a business trip to Rhode Island.  He will be gone for two weeks.  BOOOO.  I'm so used to being the "leaver" I didn't realize how lonely this house is without him.  Here are some things I have discovered since his departure:

• If I didn't have a husband I would only eat quesadillas, bag salad, and hot dogs.  Making dinner for one is just depressing.  Good thing I have such a healthy diet to get me through. 

• If I didn't have a husband I would watch 126534634 hours of crime dramas a week.

• If I didn't have a husband I would get a better night's sleep.  My body just needs more space in the bed than his big old self allows.  My natural sleeping position is starfish.

• If I didn't have a husband I would just walk up the dreaded hills (that are inescapable in this town) while on a run.  Oh, and I would stop running after two miles.  Because that's when my body feels done.  When I try to walk while on a run with RJ, he puts his hand on my back and REFUSES to let me slow down.  It's so annoying, and I hate being touched while running, so I speed up just to get away from him.  Which was his stupid plan all along.  Rude.

Sooooo.. to sum up:  If I didn't have a husband I would basically be a fat cat-lady who would probably go blind from watching too much tv.  Guess it's a good thing I locked down him down when I did.

3-  Speaking of RJ.  He called me last night and as we were catching up on our days, this was the order of his questions:  "Did you have school today?  No?  Oh, well how's NEATO doing?"  Um, seriously?  Our robot vacuum is second on your list of concerns?  


4-  Oh, I also found a new way to bug him- text messages only in emoji.  AKA, secret codes he must decipher.  Thus far he has refused to respond, other than the first time in which he replied "WTF?" Followed by, "Is this using data?"  Now he just ignores me, but it's worth it.

5-  I hit a new low yesterday when I found myself lying to the guy at the liquor store, in an attempt to cover my lameness.  You see, school was out for President's Day, so I didn't have much to do.  I watched another 54634 hours of the Closer, and then dragged myself off the couch to buy a few essentials.  And by essentials I mean toilet paper and wine.  Buying just toilet paper at the grocery store is never my first choice, but this website has informed me that 68% of our spending goes to food (the grocery store and eating out.)  That is just disgusting.  We are such pigs.  So we I am officially on a grocery store budget, and am determined to stay strong.  So I marched out of there with only toilet paper in hand, and headed across the street to the liquor store.  Oh yes, just in case you forgot, let me remind you- YOU CAN'T BUY WINE AT THE GROCERY STORE HERE.  I grabbed my bottle of Barefoot Pinot Grigio, (the best, don't you agree?) and headed to the counter.  Of course, the checker guy was super friendly and conversational, because everyone in this town is super friendly and conversational.  And while normally I really like that, today I just wanted to get my wine and GTFO.  But of course he asked me how my day was going, and when the obligatory "good, how is yours?"  didn't satisfy him, he asked what I was up to today.  What was I supposed to say?  "Um, I got up at nine, watched three hours of the Closer, and then left the house only because I needed toilet paper and wine.  And now I am going to go home, and in exactly five hours I will open this bottle of wine and drink it by myself." ???  No.  That's just depressing.  Even for a liquor store tale.  So before I knew it, I found myself telling him about the dinner I was going to go home and prepare for the friends that were coming over that night.  Sad.  JUST SAD, is what that story is.  This blog should really be called "How far can she fall?"  I should have told him about my new hobby.      

6- Which brings me to... my new hobby.  Card making!  It's really fun, but my cards are too ugly right now to blog about.  But I'm going to get better, so stay tuned.  And if you are a nice reader, maybe I will even send you a homemade card!

7- Besides card making, here are a couple other obsessions of mine for the week:

-The humor section on Pinterest.  It just speaks to me.  If I could get paid to write e-cards for a living, I would officially be the happiest person EVER.  Here are a few of my favorites from this week:

YES.

@SallyWinchester

I KNOW she is speaking to me here.  In that disapproving/regal tone of hers.  Dowager Countess, I hear you!  I'm trying.  Really.

Haha

Please tell me this isn't just my husband and me?  Anyone?

:)

I am also obsessed with THIS under-eye concealer.  Other than foundation, andsometimesbronzer, I am a drugstore makeup kind of gal.  RJ's not made of money after all.  :)  But thanks to some lovely genetics, notnaminganynamesMOM, I have an under-eye situation that isn't pretty.  The puffiness... the darkness...

The Laura Mercier concealer was highly recommended for people with troublesome under-eyes, and it definitely lives up to its reputation.  I love it!  And more importantly- it works miracles.  Really.  So if you have unfortunate under-eyes like myself, just suck it up, spend the twenty dollars, and go buy yourself some fancy French concealer.  You won't be sorry.

Lastly... I am obsessed with THE ZAGS BEING #3!!! 

Now watch this hilarious version of the Harlem Shake, and have a lovely week my loves!  See you in two weeks.

Three Favorites

Once upon a time there was a weird 10-year-old girl who was inexplicably obsessed with the Seattle Mariners.  She watched every game, and when they weren't televised she listened to them on the radio.  Much to the annoyance of her parents she refused to miss a single game (and come on, baseball has like 30 million games a season so it's not like listening/watching every single one was convenient.  For anyone.)  She decorated her school binder ALL Mariners, and passed up playing outside with friends to watch the games.  Needless to say, she was definitely not one of the popular girls at school that year.  Go figure.  The only thing she loved more than the team was their star rookie player that year, Alex Rodriguez.  Number 3.  Her obsession with A-Rod put today's "Beliebers" to shame.

You may be thinking to yourself, "There is no way this story is about you, because you do NOT get obsessed with sports."  But alas, you are wrong.  This little narrative IS about me, and it is 100% factual.  And now you know one of my deep-dark secret fun facts.  You're welcome.

Needless to say, my love for the Mariners and Alex Rodriguez faded after a year or two, as I made room for loving N'SYNC, Brittany, and shopping.  But my love for the number 3 has always stayed strong, and to this day it is still my favorite number.  So in the spirit of the number 3, here are three things I am loving right now:

 This video!  It's all over Facebook right now, but if you haven't seen it yet, watch it right NOW.  I dare you not to smile.  This is the perfect remedy for a bad day.  Or a bad five minutes.

RJ bought me this shirt for Christmas and I love it!  Oh, and by RJ, I mean me.  He lost the privilege to buy me shirts after our first Christmas and the infamous "Seahawks shirt".  A great story for another time.  Anyway, I like to wear this while I reread Harry, and I highly suggest you get yourself one and do the same.  My friend B and I may even let you join our Harry Potter book club.

This chocolate chip cookie recipe.  Trust me, it's the best one out there.  I've tried LOTS of chocolate chip cookie recipes, even the famous New York Times one, but these are the best, I promise.  I made them the other day and sent them to work with RJ for the start of his new class, (OMG gag, can someone please find me a real job?) and he said they were gone in five minutes.  It's the secret ingredient that makes them so good.  These will be the softest and chewiest chocolate chip cookies you will ever make.  They are similar to the cookies that call for pudding mix in the recipe, but even better.  Trust.  So download this recipe, make them, and see for yourself!

So there's that...

I got a bee in my bonnet (as the Rickster Lund would say), and decided to make a menu plan for the next two weeks of dinner.  I perused Pinterest (such hard work), and planned delicious meals for each night.  Then I meticulously wrote all the ingredients I would need and set out to the store.  What an over-achieving little housewife I am!  I was so excited for the gourmet amazingness that was about to go down, and could already hear the words of praise RJ was going to reign upon me.  Well- you know what they say about high-expectations being the kiss of death.  Ok, ok, I don't think they actually say that, and as a teacher I really should never believe that, but in THIS case it was true.  I ended up completely ruining two of the four dinners I made.  After the second ruined dinner, I said "screw it" and we have eaten pizza or takeout for the last three nights.  So there's that...  

I had a series of unfortunate events that happened last night at the grocery store and it left me feeling like quite the idiot.  I blogged about it, but then I decided people were probably tired of reading about what an embarrassing loser I am.  So I didn't post it, but here's the reader's digest version: in the span of thirty minutes I managed to get reprimanded by the Produce Nazi, ram my cart head on into a display of granola bars, causing over 30 boxes to tumble to the ground, and accidentally whack an old woman in the checkout lane with the grocery divider.  That last one makes me cringe a little bit.  Oh, and I was so rattled after I accidentally assaulted a seventy year old, that I couldn't find my car in the parking lot.  By the third row of searching I had broken out in the nervous sweats because I was SURE my car was stolen.  But then I found it.  When I told RJ about the series of unfortunate events later that night, he decided to get all high and mighty and tell me that I am the clumsiest person he knows, and that I just need to start being more careful.  As I was grumbling how rude and untrue that was I broke a plate in the sink.  So there's that...

I've been working for the past two weeks at the loveliest elementary school.  Seriously, I've never met a group of such genuinely nice and kind people.  Everyone introduces themselves right away, and says the sweetest things.  And the kids- well, let's just say I'm obsessed.  They are just SO. WELL. BEHAVED.  The other day I said "pencils down please," and 22 pencils dropped right away.  It was so beautiful I almost cried.  Everything is "yes, ma'am" and when you say "stop talking please," they just DO.  My NOLA babies will always be number one in my heart of course, and they have so many amazing attributes.  But, it's undeniable that this is a bit of a different culture.  Don't worry though, it's not ALL roses.  On Friday Miss Kathi called me in to sign my time sheet for the month.  For two weeks of work, my total paycheck BEFORE TAXES was a whopping 450 dollars.  So there's that...

However, I did forget to mention one amazing advantage of being a substitute.  No planning or grading to take home, therefore my nighttime TV commitments have been undisturbed.  When RJ is playing his video games I watch my favorites of course.  I have also been revisiting an old college friend, Law and Order SVU.  Such a disturbed but delightful show.  Speaking of disturbed shows, RJ and I started watching Breaking Bad this weekend andwearealreadyalmostonseason3.  Holy mother, that show is creepy... but good.  However between Breaking Bad, Scandal, and SVU, I really feel like I could now murder someone in a way that would leave no trace of the body.  So there's that...

Um, probably shouldn't end this post on that note, sooooo.... let's chat real quick about a show that does not involve killing people.  Portlandia.  At first I was like, "Noooooo I'm not in the mood for satiric comedy, can we please just put on another Law and Order.  Gosh."  But the show sucked me in.  Tonight we were laughing so hard we were crying.  Some of the skits are weird but the ones that are funny make you pee your pants.  See for yourself:

"What is she, nine?" Um- I'm 99% sure RJ has uttered those exact words in this situation.
"I'm just going to get antibiotics after the next episode."
"It's like, people don't respect our space."
"NEXT ONE! NEXT ONE!"

Shut up, do NOT tell me this isn't hilarious.  Even if this isn't basically your life like it may be ours you aren't TV addicts like we may be, it's still funny.

"I mean the divorce rate is 60%.  I really think that should be at the forefront of everyone's mind." 

"If there's anything that you've done, then we don't want to do it."

"A wedding says "everything's fine."  When NOTHING'S FINE.  Show people dying."

RJ and I laid in bed last night and quoted these two episodes for twenty minutes.  Because we're cool like that.

Lately

You know that theory I was talking about a few blogs ago?  The "mere-exposure effect" that I may or may not have cited incorrectly?  Well, it's happening again.  RJ just asked me for all my Taylor CDs so he can upload them to his iTunes.  Yes, I was surprised too.  Although, looking back, I really should have seen this coming.  When we first started dating he thought my Taylor obsession was cute weird and tolerated her music in small doses.  Slowly he came to accept her place in our relationship, and stopped complaining about the fact that she made up 98% of my music listening.  The turning point came this fall when he started requesting certain CDs and track numbers when we were in the car- "Is this Red or Speak Now?"  "Can you turn it to number 12 please?"  And now this.  He is officially a Swiftie.  (See definitions 3-7).

You are so right Whit, we should have seen this coming sooner.

He also yelled at me the other day when I started watching an episode of Scandal without him.  Am I ruining his manhood?  You guys, this is what happens when you move to the middle of nowhere and are each others only friends.  And it's not just him.  I watch Top Gear like it's my job on Saturday and Sunday mornings, even though I really could care less about cars.  Worst of all?  I. Played. A. Game. Of. Madden. The. Other. Day.  Seriously, can someone please come rescue us?

In other news, RJ-Bear turned THIRTY last weekend!  What a cradle robber.  And please don't think I'm a bad wife, because I swear I tried everything I could to turn this milestone into a BIG event.  I started with suggesting a trip- perhaps a jaunt home to Seattle to see all our friends?  No selfishness in that plan whatsoever.  And yes, we DO have friends.  Just not here.  When that was vetoed, I brought it down a notch and hatched the idea for a big party in New Orleans.  Well, THAT was met with a firm and adamant NO.  So then I moved on to just a nice dinner out with a few close friends.  But RJ didn't want to go to New Orleans, and please don't make me say it again, WEHAVENOFRIENDSHERE.  So that makes plan number three a little difficult to pull off.  Thus, the moral of this story is two-fold: 

First, I never should have consulted him on any of these ideas.  Rookie mistake.  Since when do I ask RJ for his opinion anyway?  Ugh. 

Second, I am married to Ron Swanson.  No, seriously.  (And you should definitely watch that clip because it's hilarious.  And it is SO RJ.)


RJ insisted that all he wanted for his birthday was a Seahawks win.  And a bottle of scotch.  That's it.  Since I could only control one of those things, I bought him the nicest bottle of scotch I could find, and topped it off with a Russell Wilson jersey.  Whatanamazingwife.  And he was adequately thrilled.  He was so cute when he opened his jersey.  His eyes lit up like a little kid, he put it on right away, and wore it for the next 48 hours straight.  He even willingly let me photograph him in it, which in RJ-land, is a big deal.  My husband is a simple man.  :)

I thought he might want to go to a bar to watch the game, but he insisted that he was too nervous to be around people, and didn't want to have to "censor himself".  Lucky me.

In retrospect, it was probably a good thing we were in the privacy of our home during that game.  At one point RJ went from pacing back and forth, to nervously stomping his feet, to banging his head against the wall, to screaming in anger, to screaming with excitement... all within two minutes.  Other highlights: during one play I looked over and he was on his hands and knees and was banging his fist into the ground.  He has also developed this lovely little nervous habit, where he repeatedly tosses his wedding ring in the air and catches it.  Always a great idea.  Once, when he was doing this, the Hawks messed something up and he chucked the ring on the ground in anger.  Nice.

I wanted to get a picture of the head banging, but after taking this picture I got yelled at and had to stop photographing.

So yeah, we stayed in for the game.  And what a nail-biter.  My gosh, the Hawks don't make anything easy, do they?  But it was an exciting game, and when they lost I was worried RJ would be depressed the rest of the day, but he actually stayed surprisingly philosophical and calm about the whole thing.  The scotch may have helped.  The rest of the day was really nice.  We went for a walk, and then I made his favorites- steak and cheesecake for dinner.  I followed this recipe for the cheesecake and it turned out sooooo good.  RJ said it was the BEST cheesecake he had ever eaten.  And if you know my husband, you know he doesn't just say things like that to please me.  Despite my best efforts.  That Tessy.  She really knows what she's doing.  I feel like we are kindred spirits, cooking for our men we are obsessed with.  Oh, Jeffrey.

Cutest old man I know

Oh, one more bestwifeever birthday event- I took one for the team and watched his favorite movie, Inglorious Bastards, with him, even though the scalping scenes make me nauseous and I don't like movies with that much gun violence.  But Brad Pitt is pretty hilarious.   

Annnnd.... that's pretty much it for what's new in our life.  Other than organizing my closet and putting all the Christmas decorations nicely away, my only other accomplishment this week has pretty much fallen in the category of dominating Scandal, Nashville, Revenge, Parks and Rec, and Modern Family.  I may have a TV addiction.  OH, except for the fact that I DID apply for two jobs and have phone interviews coming up, so cross your fingers for me.  And I also subbed IN VICKSBURG, (I know, shocking) and really liked the school!  So I'm only 50% a loser.

Now I'm off to go eat pickles, strawberries, and chocolate for dinner, with a side of vodka, because I have the best husband ever.  True story. 

He knows me so well.

Ok, the truth behind all these nice surprises is that they started with with a mini fight.  Last night we were watching The Ultimate Guide to the Presidents on the History Channel and we may have gotten in a teensy little fight about women's suffrage.  And I may have called him a sexist jerk.  And when we woke up this morning we laughed about our stupidist argument to date.  But really though, I will never regret standing up for women's rights.  And I told him that.  But then he went to the store and came home with all this stuff and I felt really bad.  And I realized that he is NOT a sexist jerk, (well, not that much of a sexist jerk) he's just amazing.  So go start a fight with your husband about women's rights in the early 1900's.  You're welcome. 

Whine Whine WINE

If you are a TV addict like myself there is nothing worse than powering through a show (thank you Netflix) and then reaching the end of new episodes.  It's such an empty feeling.  Like, I've dedicated the past two days of my life to these characters and their dramas, and now I'm just supposed to wait and watch one episode per week?  Um, no thank you.  I prefer to be able to watch ten episodes in a row like a normal person.  Recent shows that have done this to me include: Revenge (WATCH IT), Nashville (oooooh, SO good!), and Scandal (Three words: Olivia. Freaking. Pope).  I know, I know, none of these shows are actually over, but I don't like having to watch with the masses.  It's depressing.  

RJ really doesn't understand and pretty much thinks I'm crazy.  In fact, I believe his words were, "You know these people aren't real right?  And I'm glad we're done with this for awhile.  You get so angry when you watch Revenge and Scandal.  And for no reason."  Haha, that last part is a tiny bit true...the girl power, it's addicting!  Olivia and I have no time for silly men.  Gosh.  But the rest of his comment was just unnecessary.  But I knew you guys would understand.  Unless you don't watch TV.  In that case we probably won't be friends in real life, but we can still be cyber-blog friends!

Other things that cause terrible feelings: taking down the Christmas tree and all the decorations.  Blah... the house looks so empty and sad.  And my seasonal mantle is bare.  How do you decorate for January?  Let's be real, nobody likes January.  Although it is RJ's birthday month, so there's some good.  But that's it.

Another terrible thing?  JOB APPLICATIONS.  I hate, let me repeat, HATE them.  Especially because I may be applying for things that are a tiny bit out of my league.  So they aren't just a pain, they're scary.  Watching my girl power shows does fire me up a bit, but cover letters still suck.  Why can I whip out a blog in two seconds but a cover letter takes me two million hours?

Wow. What a whiny, whiny post.  I'm sorry.  But not really.  Because that' s the beauty of a blog.  You can say what you want, and not feel that bad because people read it by choice.  I am kind of a hypocrite though because I totally judge whiny Facebook statuses (come on, don't lie, everybody has occasional  "nobody cares" thoughts when reading certain statuses) yet then I proceed to write an entire manifesto of bitching.  Haha.

Well I'm off to go have some WINE with my whine, because really, that is the best cure.  Wouldn't you agree?   

If you don't watch this show I demand, DEMAND, that you start immediately.  And this demand is dedicated to Andrea Lund who was the one who recommended it to me in the first place.  And all my other TV lovers of course.

Who says Gosling is the best Ryan? Oh wait, maybe me...

I know I haven't blogged in what seems like twenty-five years, but the truth is, RJ and I just haven't been up to much lately.  Well, other than drinking lots of wine, catching up on our shows (I think I may love Netflix more than I love him, and probably vice-versa), looking at dogs on Petfinder, staring lovingly into each other's eyes... haha just kidding.  But we have been exceptionally lame lately and I really didn't think anyone wanted to hear me wax poetic about our most recent evening which was spent eating guacamole by the spoonful and playing rock-paper-scissors to see whether we watched Wilfred (his choice), or Scandal (mine).  Oh, why did we eat guacamole by the spoonful you ask?  Apparently SOMEONE has never heard of using a bag clip, and so our chips were quite stale.  And by quite I mean inedible.  But the guac was already made, so... when in Rome.  We are pigs survivors.

Oh, and yes, I am back to being officially unemployed.  Always a good way to start the new year.  I AM in the process of applying for a few things, but pretend I never told you that, in case I don't get any of them.

Truthfully, I am just so happy to be home and back with my RJ-Bear.  I never thought Vicksburg, Mississippi is where I would long to return, but six weeks away proved it true.  It could be RJ, or it could be the Netflix... the jury's still out.  Without sounding too sappy, I will say that we had such a wonderful Christmas and New Years together.  I am officially never ever (ever, ever) leaving him again.  BUT... before you throw up in your mouth, fear not!  He is definitely not perfect.  And here's why, (well actually, there are LOTS of reasons why, starting with the amount of football that has been on our TV this past week), BUT here is my point: he did NOT say this to me when he returned home from work yesterday:

Can you believe that?  Because it was SO the scene he came home to.  I think he secretly missed it.  I mean, who wouldn't want to come home from working all day to find their spouse on the couch in their pajamas at 5 pm?  Still, this remark would have been appreciated.

I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas, and I also hope your New Year is off to a bit more of an impressive start than mine.  Although, I did go for a run today AND clean the house, so I'm not a total loser.  I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I do believe in blogging, so it is my plan to do it more!

Now I'm off to show RJ some of these "hey girls" because I'm pretty sure if he sees enough of them he will start believing them.  I believe they call it the "mere-exposure effect".  Or something.  Psych 101 was a long time ago, so you really shouldn't hold me to that.  Night!

I'm a Mess

And here's why:

1. I am sick AGAIN.  Very sick.  What. The. Hell.  My immune system is such a hooker.  I take four months off and suddenly it's incapable of fending off ten year old germs.  So rude.  I'm also very confused, because I have been religiously eating seven two gummy vitamins a day, and since I started this little habit four weeks ago, I've been sick TWICE.  Hmmmmm..... I really think vitamins are all a bunch of hype.  But obviously I'm going to keep eating them because let's be real, they're basically gummi bears.  ANYWAY, I'm leaving school right at five, going to the store, buying Thera-flu nighttime, and going to bed at 6 pm.  Which is the advice my secret fave Sydnie whispered in my ear on her way out the door today.  "I suggest Theraflu for you.  And softer tissues because your nose is so red."  I love her.   

2. I bought these bracelets as a Christmas present for a friend, and then they came and I liked them so much I put them on and haven't taken them off.   They were also only ten dollars.  Check this store out, it's my new secret find for accessories.

#whatagrinch

3. Today I was doing reading tests in another room, and another teacher was was watching the class.  I came back to find broken crayons ALL OVER THE FLOOR.  After some "safe-space-truth-talks" I came to find out that pretty much the entire class was breaking crayons and chucking them at people's heads.  Oh you know, just for fun.  After a looongggg discussion about why we should stop acting like punks (those exact words were not used), and wasting money and school supplies, we decided to "cleanse" and start fresh with some yoga.  Wherein which I promptly put them in corpse position for about three minutes.  And it was such a calm, and lovely three minutes.

#teacheroftheyear. Totally.

Haha. This picture.  I can't even... I mean, just please.

  Also, last night I dreamed that I was BFF with Princess Kate and I was her favorite. (Sorry Pippa.)  We shopped for her baby, and joked about our husbands (oh that Wills) and it was pretty much the best dream ever. When I woke up I was so sad and depressed that it wasn't real.  And still kind of am.